Emotional...

I have had an interesting past couple of weeks. Having Gunner has been the absolute best thing that has happened in my life without a doubt. I have been thinking how amazing it is that this little spirit has chosen me and Derek as his parents. Gunner is just a precious little guy and I feel so lucky to be his mom. I know Derek feels the same way. It is so awesome seeing Derek interact with Gunner. I am seeing a whole new side of Derek... a more gentle and sweetness... a loving father. I hope that Gunner sees how much Derek and I love him and that he will always know that we are here for him 100%.
My mom has been with us for the past 2 weeks and oh what a blessing and joy it was to have her here! Mom - know that Derek and I LOVE you SOOOOOO much and that you are truly a messenger and angel of heaven here on Earth. I can't even begin to tell you how much I love and respect you. I have never known what it is like to be a "mom" and now that I do I know all the heart ache and joy you must have felt as we were growing up and taking you on a whirlwind of emotions and experiences. I PRAY I was a good enough child that I don't have any karma headed my way!
Flood Gates...
I don't think I've ever cried so much... well in a long time! I think I was warned about the flood of emotions and hormones getting back where they belong or something like that but honestly people... no one could have prepared me for THIS. I don't seem to need a reason to cry or a purpose... or an answer as to why - it just seems to happen. I have had very strong feelings of inadequacy that I can't seem to shake. I can't really describe it other than I just feel like Gunner is my responsibility, he's depending on me and to think as a spirit held for the last days he must be a very strong and valiant angel of heaven. And now...it is up to me to make sure he is raised with faith, determination, self confidence, and all the positive attributes Derek and I could possibly have to offer... It is overwhelming to know that Derek and I are all he has and I just have this rushing of emotions.
I have also had some interesting thoughts and feelings about the whole cesarean process that I want to share...
I was as I'm sure you could tell by my earlier post - a bit worried about having the c-section; however, I don't think things were as bad as I was warned about. I may have been lucky (I know I was blessed! - Thank you Derek!!!) but so far my healing process has been very "text book". I still have pain in my abdomen but my incision has healed quite nicely and did not open or start oozing (Yuck!). I don't think I was prepared for the ( OK... SKIP DOWN TO "SAFE" IF YOU DON'T WANT TO HEAR SOME VERY PERSONAL EXPERIENCES) vaginal bleeding. I don't know - I mean I know no one really goes around talking about "this stuff" but seriously - I guess I thought I'm not having a vaginal birth - they will "suck everything out"... no one ever said - oh no - you'll have bleeding for several WEEKS after giving birth regardless of if it's vaginal or cesarean. I mean isn't that enough to make a woman have postpartum depression all in itself?! I also think it's interesting that the doctor and anesthesiologist were so concerned with my weight. I mean yes - I'm over weight and YES I want to lose weight before we have another baby but seriously - if I don't lose weight I'm not going to NOT have another baby if that's what Derek and I feel is what we're supposed to do... or if it happens... I don't know - I'm thinking 2 years till we have another I want Gunner to have at least one sibling but we had such a hard time having him I worry that maybe we shouldn't worry about the timeline and let it happen... I don't know - I am NOT in a state of mind right now to even THINK about having another. ANYWAY... it irritated me and I think it had a little to do with my blood pressure spike before delivery - but I did NOT appreciate the anesthesiologist's mind set one bit... I mean seriously - this woman who was older and didn't seem like I was her first patient... but she acted as though she'd never worked with a plus size mom... You can't seriously tell me that I'm the ONLY or FIRST plus size person she's worked with... Needless to say I was a bit taken back by her... "bedside manner". And NO - I'm not looking for "oh, I'm sorry that happened" or sympathy in any way - just an observation.
OK.... I'm done with my rant...

******SAFE******

The emotional state of having a baby has got to be one of the things that prepares us for something later... I just can't quite put my finger on it at the moment...
It's something I'll have to ponder... I'm a pretty deep thinker on my better days so maybe it will come to me when my head clears!
For now - I just pray that as Gunner is getting over his bout with Thrush he is able to sleep a little more comfortably... and longer would be nice! I know it's been hard for him to sleep and I'm sure he can't be feeling well. I mean HOLY COW the one time I had a yeast infection I thought I was going to DIE!! I can only imagine how this little baby must be feeling... I just hope it's not nearly as painful as mine was. I read that for babies sometimes it's painful and sometimes they don't even act like they have something wrong. For the first little while Gunner wasn't crying or fussy and we weren't even sure if it was Thrush but now the poor little guy will stick his tongue out when he cries or when he's a little fussy and I know it's bothering him. I picked up meds today and he's had two doses so far and when I looked at his mouth earlier it's already looking better. I hope it helps with his sleeping and makes him feel better. Heaven knows I could sure use the sleep! I know he can too!
Christmas is coming soon and we had hopes of getting Gunner's picture taken and sending out christmas cards but it's not really been a top priority! I hope everyone will forgive us - although we've never been good at sending out Christmas cards so nothing new right?!
Well it looks like Gunner is waking from his nap - gotta go! I will definitely give him a hug and kiss for everyone! Love you all!